I’ve made my share of mistakes. While I’d love to be able to say I don’t regret any of it because “it made me who I am today” (or whatever stupid cliche people use to justify their mistakes), that would be a lie. It’s been years since I left that life behind, but there are still nights I toss and turn thinking about mistakes I’ve made; times I’ve taken it too far, and said/did things I shouldn’t have. There are days I look in the mirror and feel truly ashamed of myself. There are far too many people in this world that met me when I was a mess; far too many people that knew me when I lost my way… People that will forever remember me as that lost girl.
I regret EVERY mistake I’ve made. I regret all of the time I wasted being upset, crying, and worried about all of the wrong things. I wish I could go back in time and undo it all, because I knew better. I should have known better. I was taught better. But fact is, I can’t. All I can do is try to forgive myself, and ask those who had to endure me and my uncontrollable emotions when I was at my lowest of lows to forgive me, too.
To anyone who knew me then, I just want to say this… you don’t know me at all. You knew a young girl trying to find her way in this messed up world. You knew me when I was at my worst. You knew me when I was vulnerable. Too many of you look at me today and see me not as a person, but as my mistakes.
To those of you who took my vulnerabilities and, instead of helping me or simply distancing yourself from me, used them against me: I forgive you. To those of you that I hurt while at my worst, I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me too. But if you don’t know me NOW, you don’t know me.
I’m proud of the person I’ve become. The mother I’ve become. The wife I’ve become. I lost my way, but I found it again. I found myself, and for the first time, I feel like I’m exactly who I need to be. I’m right where I belong, doing what I’m destined to do. I do regret my mistakes, but I am not defined by them. I’m defined by the woman I’ve become, and what I’ve accomplished DESPITE the many mistakes I’ve made.
This is the first step to forgiving myself.